Sunday, July 31, 2005

Elvis…Some Barbecue…Did I mention Elvis?

Me and The King...That was actually a secret door

So after months of…err…debate…I shelled out some cash for a greatly discounted flight on Northwest Airlines to drop in on my pals Kristi Cooke and Jenny Rich.

We had a good time…made a plan that I had to have barbecue every day I was there…which ended up being ribs every time (mmmm..ribs) caught a redbirds baseball game, toured the very nice town of Memphis (that was NOT sarcastic, by the way) and paid a visit to the craziest man in America.

We heard of a place called “Graceland Too”..or as I called it..”The Deuce” (that’s before I realized that it was “too” not “two.” Supposedly there was this guy about 30 minutes outside of town who devoted his house to nothing but elvis memorabilia, junk, pictures, newspaper, and …oh…..junk. But the great thing was that the website said that it was open 24-7.

Excuse Me? Who feels the need to take a tour of Elvis CRAP in the middle of the night?

Well…apparently we did. We thought we would test his little 24 hr theory. So me, Kristi, and her friend Courtney set out.

Its about 1am, we turn off onto a dark residential road, end up having to turn around because the house numbers aren’t going in the direction we wanted…turn back around, right past a homeless guy walking in our direction…then we run into a giant pink house surrounded in Christmas lights and barbed wire..

This must be the place.

“Ring the Bell” the sign on the door says.

We hear rustling from within, a gray haired man emerges, slightly overweight (I use that term loosely.) with his hair slicked back, elvis style. He hastens us inside, and before we can get a word in, he spouts off a list of celebs that have graced his humble abode. Then another knock, and 10 kids from ole miss show up…Thank God.

Next thing I know, he’s unlocking a door behind me, I didn’t even know there was a door there, where we guessed it…CRAP…elvis records…stuff…I think he told us about it, but all I heard was that Coca Cola makes him horny. Moving on.

The next room had pics of a batman bike he made himself, a pic of a small child drinking a pool of blood…and some elvis memorabilia.

Oh, the child and the pool of blood?? Yeah, I think we asked about that…and I think he answered…I think.

Did I mention that his dentures were slipping out every time he spoke, making his words a jumbled mess, therefore I’m pretty sure I missed out on 90-95% of what he said.

We move on, where theres a shrine to elvis, tv’s on on my right, bruce lee and his nunchuks on my left along with a giant panda bear…all of a sudden I’m being asked to take a picture by the elvis shrine, where I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.


As with the rest of the house, every inch of the walls and ceilings are crowded with elvis pictures, trading cards, ANYTHING else you could possibly think of. On the bed in front of me sat a binder..which supposedly contained a reference for every time Elvis spoke or was spoken about on TV.

If I knew a publisher, I could be a millionaire, apparently.

“I’ll split the profits with ya.” He tells me…..

”uh huh.” Is all I could manage out of my mouth.

I have no idea what was in the next room…I didn’t actually stop to look, as I was herded out back, where a guy from the other group said “I’ve been here 5 times and I’ve never been in the back.”

For good reason.

In reference of the song “Jailhouse Rock, ” he had a sentry post, a fridge labeled “ammo,” lots of barbed wire, and an electric chair in the shed, which he constructed himself.

“Time to go” I think to myself.

We head inside, to the next room, which is a wall of pics of people who have visited…he says he can’t fit them all in the room. I believe him.

As we leave, a guy leans over to me and says “I think I saw this movie once…we don’t make it out alive.”

It’s 2:30am and we finally make it to the starting point, meaning the tour was over. We head out the house, down the steps and past the two Lion Statues that are guarding the outside.

I couldn’t make it back to the car soon enough.

If you’re still confused about what exactly when on in there….Yeah I’m not real sure either.

But I hear that on the 4th visit you become a lifetime member.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Sudoku This!

Move over crossword, you've overstayed your welcome.

If you've never tried out the new puzzle game thats beginning to appear in newspapers, I suggest you check it out. Its revolutionary.

Its a game that involves a buncha numbers..only you don't have to add anything up. Its quite simple, yet sometimes you want to throw yourself out of a 5 story window.

I've tried explaining how it works to people...and I'm real bad at explaining. You just have to see it and read the directions to understand how it works. But the great thing about it is the fact that if you try hard enough, you CAN get it done. All it takes is focus and patience. Unlike crosswords. In crosswords, you either know it or ya don't. sure, you can get hints, but you still have to come up with the word one way or another.

And i'm proud to say i'm undefeated. I'm something - 0. (I don't count how many I've tried.) But theres no sudoku that i've come across that i havn't solved. I was timed once....8 minutes i was finished. There was another that took me all of ....24 hours. But it got done.

So I'm the self-proclaimed sultan of sudoku. I challenge you to try to dethrone me.

Or at least find the 24 hours to devote to a puzzle like I did.


Monday, July 25, 2005


The Ladies Man! He's Single!

What can Brown do for YOU?

I just wanna give a shout to ADAM BROWN SUGAR for fixin’ me up with my new banner on the top of my sight. See how the colors change? Sweet! He musta been exhausted after workin on this all day and night for me! This is the view that I shall be waking up to every morning the day Southwest starts flying to Montana and I move there

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I'm Good at What I Do...

So my pal grubbsy has had quite the airline experience and being an airline employee, I completely understand and that crap happens a lot and really theres not a whole lot you can do about it.

For those of you who have no idea what happened to Grubbsy, click here now for the 1st part and click here for the 2nd part get all caught up!

Now that you know what happened, heres how the masters deal with it:

So just the other day we get all loaded for a pleasant flight to Hartford. Everyone's on, ready to go, already aware that it might take 20 mins or so to get off the ground due to traffic. Once we get on the taxi-way, we stop...captain comes on, says that we're on a ground hold because of weather thats headed for hartford.

Great. Who knows how long this can last. So we do what we normally do and serve drinks on the ground, just to make people happy. Most airlines probably wouldn't do that...but its not that big of a deal. Well we do that, people start getting resltess (and who can blame them).

Now we have what we call an entertainment kit...used for situations just like these. Although sometimes it can be missing key items. But i open it up, look inside...

SWEET! Southwest Beach balls! now we have prizes to give away. I immediately get on the PA and start up a nice game of trivia, asking random questions. (guess the combined age of the flight attendants, who has the oldest penny, whos had the most connections on they're journey <4> and the winners got the beach balls. This lasted about an hour, then we kinda ran out of things to do...wait..

Genious! These airplanes have toilets that could suck a golf ball from a garden hose. Serious. So I did what any normal person...well..any southwest flight attendant would do. I broke out the toilet paper and made an announcement that we were gonna stretch it all the way down the isle and see how fast this toilet could suck it up.

We get it all rolled down the isle...then...the captain calls, says we got cleared to leave...

"But we've got toilet paper down the isle!!" is what the other f/a said.

"Well clean it up!!" says the captain.

So Marilyn gets on the pa and says "sorry folks, captain says we're gettin out of here, so the toilet paper will have to wait."

We got a resounding "aawwwww" from the audience.

So we did it quickly...and i mean quickly...that toilet paper sucked up in about .5 secs. Cheers and applause came from the crowd.

We ended up going through Canada to get to connecticut...WAY out of our way..and ended up about 2 hrs late to hartford.

And let me tell you, when people got off, not a single one complained about the flight our being late. friends, is how its done.


Sunday, July 17, 2005

The Face of Deceit

The string of hate rolls on.

I don’t mean to, but this is something that does truly bother me and I don’t understand it and its JUST NOT RIGHT.

I was sitting in front of the T.V. with Zach the other day, watching espn as usual, and he was complaining about the lack of quality sports we get to watch. Included in one of these lacking sports was Texas Hold’m.

I never got into the craze. I don’t understand it. I mean I understand the game and all and I’ve watched it a couple of times but CMON we’ve gone overboard. They show that mess 50 times a day.

Anyways, it’s not that game that really bothers me, its them sorry suckers that wear the shades. Isn’t that the equivalent of corking your bat or taking steroids? What if when the offense lines up in football, they lined up backwards and when they hiked it, then and ONLY THEN could they turn around to see what the defense was puttin’ up? (ok, maybe that’s a stretch but I’m doin my best here)

But for serious, back in the olden times, guy sat in saloons trying to take advantage of each other in poker, and the key was to read the other guy to try to figure out what he had in his hand by strictly lookin at his facial expressions. It was a skill, and guys who were good at it were good at poker. It’s like Peyton Manning’s uncanny ability to read the opposing defense before he even hikes the ball.

It’s part of the game and these chumps are cheating and no one seems to care! Either make them play right or take’m off the air and don’t let them play at all.


Friday, July 15, 2005

It's True!

So the past 4 days I've been working with some really cool people, and when we fly together we like to swap stories. Well just yesterday I think I've heard the funniest of them all.

Sometimes we have people who bring animals on the plane. The rule is that they have to be a service animal, and even then certain animals are not allowed, such as snakes and horses. Just yesterday I had a lady sit in the front seat with a beautiful black lab named jet, which was cool to have for a 4 hour flight. He just laid there on the floor for 4 hrs, and she let us pet him and play with him and his little chew toy.

Anyways, my friend Sue was telling me that once she had a guy bring a monkey. Sure, they're allowed sometimes, and as she recalls, the monkey did NO good whatsoever. She was convinced that the guy had lied about him being a service animal just to get him in the cabin. But I think we're all kinda glad he got to come on.

There was a girl Sue was working with that she didn't like. Apparently she was rude and mean or whatever. But she decided she would go up to the guy with the monkey and maybe say hi or play with him for a few minutes. As Sue looked on, the flight attendant walked up to the monkey, kinda got up in its face like you would a baby (goochy goochy goo!) and looked at the monkey, smiling. The monkey looked back, and in a split second rared its hand back, and slapped the flight attendant across the face!!!

When she told me this i almost fell on the floor laughing. I think the only thing better would have been if the monkey threw its own poop at her. hahaha!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Dont Even Go There

I do need to move one to more important subjects, but I can't let Mr. A. (I won't divulge his identity) get away with his blasphemous statements.

First of all, Golf is as American as fish n' chips. And by that very statement, it cannot be legitimized as "the greatest game to be played by man." It's a game made popular by rich aristocratic tight-wads who've never done a days work in they're life.

I've seen my dad rob a buddy of mine of a home run; an over the shoulder spectacular grab reminiscent of Willie Mays. So that argument is now defunct because my Pa probably IS on the level of Tiger Woods.

The argument of facing Pedro is also ludicris because you hit the ball off a TEE!!!! I did that when I was 4. Let's move on, please.

I do have some other thoughts.

Who's ever heard of a dress code to go play a game? "Hey everybody! Lets all go put on our blouses and our sunday skirts for a pleasant game of candy land!!! yaaayy!!!

Golf is a waste of precious acreage. Period. What kind of game needs a plot of land the size of Asia, then you tick the guy behind you off because you're playing too slow?? "Theres 200 more acres to play on, buddy! move along!" Outrageous.

Baseball has 5 year olds that do the same job as a caddy....who is usually at least 20 years older.

Wasn't there some guy that excelled at golf while he was drunk? Yeah, case closed.

Be a man, use wooden clubs.

Thats it, I'm done, I'm moving on.


As an afterthought, this post is not meant to attack Mr. A personally, just his ideals.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Wanna Go for a Walk?

What if I called you early one saturday and asked you if you wanted to head out to the park for an early morning stroll? And then said that you had to wear an outfit that screams queer eye for the straight guy? And then I said you had to lug around a buncha iron sticks in 90 degree heat? And then I said you would probably spend most of the day angry at the world? And to top it all off, I said that I am going to have to charge you 50 bucks to do so?? SOUND LIKE FUN???

yeah, didn't think so. And who would rather do this than hit the diamond and play some baseball, or play some football?

Apparently a lot of crazy people do.

Yeah, thats right, I'm speaking of golf. You're all a buncha sissies. I'm even gonna go as far to say that golf isn't a sport. It's just a buncha guys walkin around in goofy outfits hitting an egg-sized ball into high grass, then acting like a 2 year old while they crawl around in the weeds, wishing they'd never left the house, cursing like a sailor, all because of a stupid white ball.

And I know you're response. I've heard it a million times. "PLaying golf if the hardest sport." or "Lets see you try to hit the ball straight." or "Golf takes a lot of skill to play."

Yeah? Well needlework and crochet take skill too. But you don't see me doin' it. Yeah, lets put together knitting leagues for the guyssaturday. That'd be a blast.


The only fun part of playing golf is getting the cart, and terrorizing the other fairies that play. Or taking it mudding out on the course. Now thats a blast.

Ever tried watching golf on tv? yeah, it's like watching a submarine race. Full of surprises.

I've played. and i'm bad at it. really bad. and so is almost all the population. But thats whats so sad.

People have actually put in the obscene amounts of time to actually get good at this sport. It's like dedicating your life to picking flowers.



Monday, July 04, 2005

An Innocent Man

Meet the Parents anybody?

Ok so I just got off a hideous trip. I'm not kidding. I worked 5 days in a row, without ever returning home. (well, i flew through chicago, but i had to keep going) I know i know, this is what most people do in the working world...working 5 days a week, but I left home on the 30th and got home the 4th. It's really amazing to get off a trip like that and think of all the places i'd travelled through..whether i actually got to get off and stay there or not:

chicago-kansas city-tucsan-las vegas-salt lake city-los angeles-san jose -portland-reno-phoenix-chicago-kansas city-los angeles-kansas city-oklahoma city-houston-little rock-chicago.

Thats a total of 18 take-offs and 18 landings. ( And a total of 10,859 miles, by the way)

But thats not the point. As I was about to leave chicago in the middle of my trip, I had a flashback to when ben stiller yells at the poor, poor flight attendant about checking the bag. My issue had nothing to do with checking bags, but..for the first time ever..

I was yelled at. Seriously. Screamed at. Everyone was on the plane, ready to go, sitting down, except for this one lady. And she decides to take something that happened to her out on me. ME OF ALL PEOPLE!!! I THOUGHT I LOOKED 12, WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU SCREAM AT A POOR 12 YEAR OLD???

What did I do? I ignored her. Yup. I did what I do best, pretended to listen. I mean she's laying in to me, I'm sure all 136 people were staring at me So I didn't even acknowledge what she was saying, got her stuff in a bin (after rearranging 10 bags...just for her...i could have checked that sucker real quick) and her in a seat. And we got off the ground.

I know I sound like a big terd right now, but let me explain. I'm not gonna go through everything that happened, but essentially they had an aircraft swap, skycaps in the airport didn't get her wheelchair fast enough, and she had to board the new plane dead last. Again, NOT MY FAULT.

And I went back later after she had cooled down and apologized for what happened, even though i was innocent of the whole situation.